setting sights and aiming...

losing a job to a 15 min. break? damn right I did!

I remember one particular cold fall when as a student I got a PT job at the local mall. This particular kid-centered retail outlet...ahem* had a certain professional tendency to hire young female things who would not mind nor balk at there not being a 15 min. built into their 4 hr (and sometimes longer!) shift. Well, along came I, somewhat more jaded as I clambered into my 30's with my 'been-there-and-dun-that-and-I-sure-as-shit-don't-wanna-go-there-again 'tude. Upon my first real shift, I was informed that (insert co. name) does "not really do that" in reference to my query of when my break would occur. I was dumbfounded...but not dumb. So I insisted and claimed some psychosomatically-embellished condition impacting the weariness of my feet and compounding my thirst (I believe...) until the manager finally relented.

I "took" those 15 mins, boy, like it was the first taste of ice cream for a prisoner who had been locked away in a dungeon bereft of the flavours of food and left with scarcely any water for sustenance. I TOOK that fuckin 15! If I could have had sex with it, I would have.

In fact, my irritation and pull for subversiveness propelled me to 'make a point' by not-so-subtely taking, that's right...over 17 minutes (SUCH a radical!).

Then I was met with a lecture, er, I mean a rather involved discussion with the manager whereupon I argued for the virtues and benefits of giving us peons a short break and how it would overall improve productivity (trying the money angle, having assessed they were not the least bit receptive to any human rights angle), whilst she proceeded to explain to me how she blew the female president's cock on an nightly basis, administering to her every whim, including parting her hair to the exact follicle, holding it back upon fluid exhalations into a porcelain bowl or wiping the phlegm from under her (snide) nose, anything in order to 'protect the company assets'. Jaysus H, who are you kidding?! you are protecting your own ASS-ets so that by sucking every 'authoritative' proverbial cock (I said it again, it bears repeating!) you can remain with your foot solidly in managerial peon mode, carefully cemented into the landscape of the company's mosuleum for years to come. Well, do whatchu gotta do, sistah! and to each her own!

I get it, the co. wants to save money! Duh! but this is NORTH AMERICA, where presumably we are among the more fortunate when it comes to worker's rights where the min wage is shit, but it is still better than an assembly line Honduran worker's min wage, and where a 15 min break is a RIGHT not a privilege to be bestowed upon the hearty many who intend to complete their 4 hr. shift. Aint it...??

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...mgr. and I spent over 20 minutes going back and forth (diplomatically, I will attest and give props to) but nevertheless, "wasting" the company's precious time instead of being fruitful and letting little New Peon enjoy her 15, then come back refreshed and pumped up, ready to perform to the public how she cares about kiddy clothes, rarin' to help young parents get the right toddler pants size! That's the way to get geared up right, right? All it would take is a certain amount of dignity, respect afforded to the worker, to acknowledge her as a human with needs like water, food and yes, the ever, grossly under-valued concept in our society: REST!

No, my foot is not broken (nor sprained), no, I am not internally bleeding, not I do not need to "run" to the washroom, no I don't "feel ill". I do not need nor want a legitimizing excuse. I wish we did not have to feel guilty or ashamed without justifying a respite, or rationalizing it in some small, semi-apologetic way. Remnants of shame are so deeply woven into our collective fabric of consciousness, creating concepts like 'being idle'. Well, I do not speak in 'idle' terms nor laziness, nor weakness. I reject these terms and claim my respite because I am a human being and not a robot. PERIOD. full stop. No shame nor stigma need be attached.

Why the big deal? you ask. It's just a 15 min break! Because it's about taking our space, it's about seeing ourselves as worthy of space and having needs and considering the human aspect of the worker, the rights inherent to all workers the world over.

I am taking a break for those who may never get one, for those who deserve one too, for those whose voices are stunted, or forcibly quieted, for those who fear retribution of job loss or those who feel threatened or alienated. It is about claiming our power as people back. You can't rob me of my humanity, Big Fucking Corporation, Big Fuckin Governmental Body, Big Fuckin Institution (applying such discourse to make it 'ok' to devalue the human, and attach shame to rights we ought to claim). I don't give a shit if this year's aim is to 'tighten' things by squeezing everybody else's waist. You don't own me, you rent my time and labour, RENT it, while I hold my end of the contract to uphold your rules, and do my assigned tasks to the best of my abilities. So why aren't you holding your end up of the bargain up to respect me as a human being, as a critical part (not merely a peon) in this money-making, mass-producing system called capitalism. I don't like the deal one bit.

I WANT MY FUCKIN 15 MINUTES.



(NOTE: this author would call in 2 days later and resign from this unfortunate post, feeling that staying there would perpetuate all those things about injustice and mis-use of power that make her feel sick in her heart, and feelings of anger and shame that make her sick in her belly. Above all, she was humbled and thankful she could 'quit' a job, any job.)

It's a small gesture of resistance, but the personal can't help but be political. We need to look beyond the price tag to the lines between the stitching...where there are nameless, faceless workers often bereft of their rights and dignity as human beings.

Please, Mum - let's not shop here.

"Fear Not Want Not, Want/on woman"

I was scared I would be heard
so I began to sing

I was scared to be visible
so I let my little Light shine

I was scared others would hurt me
so I came to love them

I was scared no one would love me
so I learned to love myself

I was scared I would not make friends
so I started liking others

I was scared others would think me sensitive
so I let myself cry

I was scared people would only see a clown
when they saw me...so I played harder

I was scared to Shine
so I learned to breathe, and to Let it be

I was scared I had no direction
so I followed the path in front of me

I was scared to be rejected
so I auditioned/applied for it anyway

I was scared my body was no longer beautiful
so I dared to model...onstage...in lingerie!

I was scared to be found and get hurt again
so I went public on interweb and said, Here I am!

I am not Fearless
such claims I do not make
but I have come to know
that Boldness is the flip side of Fear
the choice is there I have pushed through

as I choose to stand in spite of fear
so I stand in Love for me

eye candy. just because.

"If you like it and you want it...put a ring on it" ?!

hm-humm. Foh real, Beyonce?? Oh, puleeze, this is a old and misguided a concept as the (albeit way cuter and niavely spunkier, 90's version of new 'feminism') Spice Girl's "girl power". This thrusting black and white video shocking my tv airwaves is not empowering in the least, but only riveting for its sexual provocativeness (and yes, catchy up-tempo), guised as female power but aimed clearly at and for the "male gaze". I sigh.

B (can I call you, "B" Beyonce?), are you trying to sell, I mean, tell me that waaay too high-cut leotards, undulating buttock movements, multiple half-naked limbs and girating thighs sausaged into shimmery tight stockings - aggressively thrust in tandem with a "marry me" anthem - is empowering to me somehow? How so? All I see are a lot of legs and asses practically eye fucking with the camera's lens and accompanying words like "if you like it and you want it, put a ring on it". Not helping is the fact that the song drones on and on in that ever-original way of beating one good riff to death via a musical hazing. Oh dear, oh dear.

What exactly is the "it" you are referring to in this ode to the women's movement? the "it" that he wants/likes? is it your talent? your mind? your philanthropic heart? your multiple million dollar homes..? personality? um, what is this "it"?? 'cause I gotta tell ya, all I see (repeated without end in sight- pardon the pun) is ASS. A whole lot of it.
B. girl, you are selling your ass. For a fucking ring.

Problem #1 your imagery is fucked up. It is the stuff of the juvenile, breast-fixated, hyper-feminizing, Barbie-humping, panty-hose fetishisin', defensively hetero MALE GAZE. Sure, these women look hot...but they also come across as cheap because they are selling everything- at once, and in a BIG WAY (buy 1, get one free, these goods won't keep forever you know)! Displaying all the goods up front (and in the back), presumably aimed to inspire tenting in boys and men's pants throughout the continent. Problem is there is no subtlety, no nuance, no come-hitherness, no...well, sex appeal! Women are flesh robots shaking body parts and not saying much beyond 'asserting' that they need a ring! I think there is some cloudiness as to what is sexy, what it could be, and WHY people are alluring to begin with. But here, what you see...is pretty much what you will 'get'...tonight...if and when you flash her some bling! ;)

Problem #2- what kind of the message is being sent here (esp to the young 'uns - male or female)? If you are really liked by your guy, the only sure way to tell is if he buys or somehow "acquires" some gargantuan rock for your digits. WHAT?? What if you love yourself and are lucky enough to find a cool guy who also loves you, but no rock? This video and the song's (and I use this term loosely "lyrics") would indicate that strutting in high heels singing about deserving a ring from your man is the way to be on top, an alpha female, a winner, the powerful woman! But let's not kid ourselves- it is still the man in control here, he's the one to buy and bestow said ring onto her...if he 'likes' her enough. What about her 'holding out' until she gets that ring then? Is that her taking her power? Nah, it just boils down to sexual blackmail, which is selling the self short again, thus disempowering to women. Hollah!

What if you like the cock but aint getting- or even wanting- any rock?? Are you some kind of 'failed' femininity? Ya almost delivered but stopped just shy of aquiring real success as a truly desirable and desired woman. hm. As a single woman sans rock, paper or scissors, I resent this. I don't feel the least bit failed, unsexy or incapable of inspiring devoted love from a partner. I don't think one ought to be validated by antiquated norms which prescribe a materialist token of 'commitment' like buying an expensive, processed precious metal. Jewerly is nice and I'm a romantic, but this notion of forced consumerism tied to love and/or commitment is absolutelty UN-romantic to me! Because it is expected, it is therefore feigned.

Problem #3- I hate the aggressiveness of this style of 'sexy' dancing. there is nothing sexy or sensual about it at all! is there..?? (crickets) Show them how it's done Shakira (a la "it's in the curve of my hips, the line of my smile..." Phenomenal woman style)! A little hip, a provocative look here, a little shimmy there goes a long way and feels way less forced and desperate than the Britneys or Beyonces violent jutting of hips and legs with sullen faces. Isn't there another way to sell "sexy" other than using hyper-masculinized movements, alpha dog style?? I'm not saying women can't or should not move aggressively but I think this way of sexying it up this way stifling and culturally 'blueprinted' onto us as a kind of sexual-raging-by-the-numbers. Don't we have our OWN voice, physicalities, can't we package our own femininities to reshape our own language of movement, of sensuality..? With such vast complexities and variations within the term 'woman' so is there plenty of space to be explored yet.

Problem #4- the song is catchy to toddlers on YouTube and people who move on auto pilot to a catchy chorus. It's catchy, but where is the art in this song? Any remnant of a song never stood a chance once it gets lost in over-production consisting of the same masturbatory four chords and setting the 'record needle' on repeat for roughly 4 minutes. Was it ever meant to be, well, good? "Not necessarily" you say? Well, hellz bells then, I should write me something! Let's see: "My humps, my humps...my lovely lady lumps..." oh shit, that's been done. DAMN it! (Dear reader, be glad I know when I ought not to pollute the waters of an already-polluted world of musical mediocrety!)

Ladies, sistahs, if you like 'it', that is if you like yourselves, don't buy a line of bull about how showing your boobs for a "Girls Gone Wild" video or shaking your ass cheeks in CU in some hip hop video is an expression of your power. It is only predicated on one aspect of your full range of power: your sexual power. Yes, it is a big issue, but it is not ALL. The downside is this overfocussing on sexuality and prowess can obscure and make obsolete OTHER aspects of feminine power! the mind, the physicality, the learned, the inspired, the emotional, and on and on. These are other components of our 'power' that the MTV generation is not going to be privy to anytime soon. Seems a pity that a dampening of the full experience of female identity is hugely mainstreamed and reifyed through mediums like this to become not only socially accepted and but also expected. ugh.

One last note on this night's late rant...if he does like "it", don't let a silly little ring do the talking, the loving or the very real work that makes for a relationship. The ring aint the thing! that's fairytale stuff. Give me a man who'll give me a kiss and a coffee, then cheerfully do the dishes in the morning (yes, in that order)! Now that I can take to the bank!

If he really wants to please you, he should put a ring on it alright: a well-fitted cock ring. Long-lasting good times abound, am I right? ;) Why not let HIM do some shaking and shimmying and see if I still like him!
tee hee

sheesh. another sad one...

Patrick Sawyze died today. He succumbed to pancreatic cancer at 57 years young. Sad. He seemed a sweet person and was a beautiful man.

I hope he is in peace.

I will watch Point Break or To Wong Foo so I can remember some of the joy he brought us.

donchu hate it when

aacckk....! I had some thoughts earlier.....

They were. interesting.

I forgot them.

fuck.

I feel a bit sad. again. and again.

I asked a street person if he was hungry. He said he was. I was coming back from Safeway and the booze store carrying several bags and felt my 'abundance' irrespective of him. Two yogurts and a danish later, he made a point to look me in the eye to say an earnest "Thank you." I could not muster "You're welcome" at first. I think I choked something out under muffled breath without meeting his eyes. I tried to gloss it over like it was no big deal, it is just food shared from one to another, no thanks need be given. In his eyes I caught a sadness, sensitivity, a young man, a sweet person. Yet, my Privilege hung like a great mustard bomb in the air, a heaviness that goes unmentioned yet which its perpetual sting is felt ominipresently. The weight of this supposed 'Priviledge' felt like a pit in my belly, a thick queasiness. That word clung in my mind as I walked back to my 'car', and headed to my 'home' housed in warmth and light, reflecting to me the stark inequalities between his world and mine (not 'ours'). And it hurt to see someone be so fuckin thankful for what should be the basest of needs met. Food. Kindness. Respect. For another human being. It should come so easily...

I pushed off repellent thoughts of feeling 'blessed' to have helped someone as some kind of saviour. Those make me embarrassed at my own benevolent narcissism. We are capable of so many things, yet human beings are best at instilling vast differences in access to resources, eroding the measures of quality of a kinder, gentler life, great blatant and nuanced inequality among people. This young guy is not the first person I have ever given food to. What bothers me most is it is not 'my' food by virtue of my having consumed it in a monetary transaction, but our food that if were distributed rightly, would and ought to be his food as well. He got it via another channel, from a caring passerby this time. Why must he ask a stranger in the first place?

I always remember the hungry ones who looked so touched or grateful at my meager offerings, who too looked me in the eye to say a thanks. I saw part of their dignity expressed in that gaze. I wanted to acknowledge the young man by seeing him, the person in his eyes and accepting his thanks. Yet, in that gaze I could hardly utter a "you're welcome" through the heaviness clutching my throat. My silence keeps the swelling pain in the heart obscured. For a moment, at least. Then I move along.

it's not so much the badd gramer...

I think I feel slightly embarassed because of her naivete (yeah, you grammar gods, but too lazy to look for the character ;) and perhaps because I am not sure if she was intending to write a scathingly ironic piece...er, or if her compelling sense of persuasion ends up making her look a bit...foolish. Either way, girlfriend... eesh! (shaking head. someday she will show this to the grandkids and have a larf. I hope.)
We all f*ck up sometime!

to my Zapatista (brothers, sisters)...a small moment of solidarity at least

FIRST GLOBAL FESTIVAL OF DIGNIFIED RAGE
WITH THE THEME OF: ANOTHER WORLD, ANOTHER PATH: BELOW AND TO THE LEFT
TO BE CELEBRATED ON THE FOLLOWING PLACES AND DATES
THE OTHER MEXICO CITY, FEDERAL DISTRICT, December 26, 27, 28, and 29, 2008. IN LIENZO CHARRO OF THE ASSOCIATION LOS CHARROS REYES DE IZTAPALAPA, Frente Popular Francisco Villa Independiente-UNOPII, Avenue Guelatao # 50, Colonia Álvaro Obregón, Delegación Iztapalapa, close to the metro station Guelatao, where an exposition will be presented. AND IN THE HEADQUARTERS OF UNÍOS, Dr. Carmona y Valle street #32, colonia Doctores, close to the metro station Cuauhtemoc, where other activities will be held.
THE CITY OF SAN CRISTÓBAL DE LAS CASAS, CHIAPAS, IN CIDECI, located on the Camino Real de San Juan Chamula s/n, Colonia Nueva Maravilla.

SOME OF THE SUBTHEMES OF THE FESTIVAL WILL BE:
AN OTHER COUNTRYSIDE
AN OTHER POLITICSAN OTHER CITY
AN OTHER SOCIAL MOVEMENT
AN OTHER COMMUNICATION
AN OTHER HISTORY
AN OTHER ART
AN OTHER CULTURE
AN OTHER SEXUALITY

THE FESTIVAL “ANOTHER WORLD, ANOTHER PATH: BELOW AND TO THE LEFT” WILL HAVE THE FOLLOWING CHARACTERISTICS:
1. In Mexico City, a national and international exposition will be installed where every struggle, every experience, every rage, will have a space where it can set up and show its struggle and its courage. This way we can all see, hear, and know each other.
2. In zapatista territory, dignity and rage will become art and culture, music and song, because rebellion also dances. And with words, pain will become hope.
3. In San Cristóbal de Las Casas, Chiapas, the word will go back and forth in order to give birth to new words and give strength and reason to rage.
4. The national and international groups, collectives, and organizations that participate in the festival will be only those who are invited to do so. To this end, the Sixth Commission of the EZLN has initiated consultations with political and social organizations, as well as with groups and collectives of anarchists, libertarians, alternative communication workers, human rights defenders, sexworkers, intellectuals, social activists, ex political prisoners, all adherents of the Sixth Declaration; and with groups, collectives, and organizations of other countries, all part of the Zezta Internazional. The criteria for invitations and participations will be made after these consultations.
5. For the roundtables, the EZLN will invite social organizers, thinkers, and leaders of anticapitalist projects from Mexico and around the world. The list of invitees will be released later.
6. More details about what we are thinking the festival of dignified rage could be will be made known at earliest convenience (that is, when we have an approximate idea of the problem we have gotten ourselves into).
That’s all for now.

LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ATENCO!
From the mountains of the Mexican Southeast. For the Indigenous Revolutionary Clandestine Committee—General Command, of the Zapatista Army for National Liberation.
Subcomandante Insurgente Marcos.Mexico, September of 2008.

haughtiness

the wheel turns. I know this one.

so, I've been accused of being a...wit. Some have even alluded to me being more a wit to the "t", if you know wot I mean. And so I had me a think today: so what is my response to being accused of such controversies, of being suspected of such tomfoolery and less nobility, less solidity of character? Well, I don't like it when someone *mistakes* my playfulness for 'immaturity' (I have heard such utterances, now haven't I?). Nay, I care not for such misdirected attributes. Any more than one can address the issue of me stating notes in the clipped, yet dulcet tones of an older era, as I do now, can they explain why I joke when I do, and to whom and why! I will nonetheless, try.

Ok, so for the "short bus" (yes, terrible lack of PC'ness there, I know, I am fully acknowling it, but onwards...), since back to the 8th grade I have had my er, sense of humour thrown back proverbially into my face (so to speak), with people misunderstanding my character or dismissing me for a clown. Were they wrong?? (well. no. not exactly...) What they did not realize is that while I was (am) a jokester, I did not do it out of yang to "fit in" or to amuse or muster quick attention, I did it fluidly and naturally more out of the selfish urge to amuse MYSELF really! Things looked funny to me, I had an imagination and perceived odd pictures and quickly accessed the grotesque potential in the amplified levels of the truth...and I could witness, in a moment, such absurdity! and words sounded like others and could be toyed with, for hilarity! it was too easy..! yet, hard to resist. Perhaps I should have tried to..? Perhaps I over-did it.

Perhaps I continue to. Let that be my downfall. Many will not 'get' it, may not like me, (such fools...tsk*), may dismiss me again by not peering beneath my veneer of good humour and lightness. I suppose I am to blame for that, when I do not explain that having a sense of humour about things in general has helped me cling to hope through some dark times, had made my mother laugh until she shakes, has made my brother's cheeks tighen in a loud guffaw, has made a good party kinda better, has brought strangers to me as quick friends, has made me feel the hope a child feels by its purity, its innocense, has amused my friend until tears form. I have willingly stepped into the role of court jester, for her birthday, knowing that laughter makes her happy, pleasing her is an act of love for a friend. I have done so for others. Sometimes a kind word. Sometimes a lil joke.

I like to make people feel happy. But greater to that effect, I think I like to make ME feel happy. There are too many hours to account for laden with much anxiety, panic, fear, sadness, loneliness, self-loathing, insecurity, torment, and on and on... I have seen so many days like those. And once I was very, very sick and very, very sad...and I met myself on the way out, in a moment of mourning. I saw my youth and health vanishing and my face changed, my heart lost its hope, my spirit lost its innocense...a great part of me died then. I thought I must get out of this great pain. and I must use my will and my spirit as a way to get out!

(Well, I will spare you the details, dear reader, but I did get out.) Helped mightily by great Intention set in my mind, along with the ole perseverance that made me flip over the tree branch over and over one summer, until I could do that sommersault (!), plus a healthy dose of skepticism, and fueling this ride, was my Spirit. In it lived playfulness, humour, a childlike *thing* if you will, but whatever it is, it has served me well. And so I grew out of. I grew up into. I continue to.

Now that I am (more) grown up and seen past my serious teens and my politically correct 20's...to see that "growing up" should be about being happy, making yourself as happy as you can. Being true to your spirit, whoever you REALLY are (not who you've been told we are supposed to be, not who you think you might have been). It's about using the tools you've been given. Me...?? well, I like to think about things, and I like to play. The play has been good to me. And forgive me if I am bold, but I daresay I have witnessed a smile, a chuckle, small grins to those around me when I too share with them as they share their gifts with me. (I learned about sharing in kindergarden, got a A, did I ;)

I can say this without thinking of it as boast: Yes, I am a clown, but I am also a dreamer, a child, a wise woman, a teacher, a healer, a poet, a lech, an adventuress, a fighter, a (gentle) rogue, a chameleon...that lets me change my robe.

If you want to get all colloquial on me- "well, I've got one hand in my pocket and another one is showin' you how to perch and rotate!" I may look like an apple, but look a little closer, coz I am a pomegranite.

eind if ye don't like it, mate...(honki-ty, honk, honk)!

I get pretty hot when...

I read...ABOUT THIS!

"Infinite Bubble Wrap: Mugen Puchi Puchi" by Yukio Obata

Bubble wrap is addictive! A distracting amusement for some, a stress reliever for others. Whether it's the texture or maybe the sound that it makes, most people inexplicably enjoy popping plastic bubbles! Mugen Puchi Puchi is a Japanese key chain toy designed to mimic the sound and feeling of popping bubble wrap… Infinite bubble wrap! What bliss!

The flat, square gadget looks like a five-centimetre square of bubble wrap. It features eight bubbles and comes with seven colour variations: white, green, red, blue, pink, orange and black. The toy is produced by the Japanese toymaker Bandai and was first released at the Tokyo Toy Show in June 2007. Although it’s not an exact replica, pressing the surface of the toy will generally produce the sound and tactile feeling of popping bubble wrap. And, of course, it comes with a twist! The Japanese are quite fond of improbable coincidences, such as tea leaves floating vertically in their cup like tiny jellyfish (a sign of good luck). So, when it comes to popping bubble wrap, they are fascinated by the rare possibility of popping a bubble into a heart shape. Manufacturer Kawakami Sangyo claims that this happens once every ten thousand times with real bubble wrap..."

Oh. My. Gawd.

I am complete.

Please buy me this product. (Xmas is coming...and I don't have all day.)

Sense and Sense-of-accountability

Barack Obama (the only sensible candidate to many, including your author) was finally elected president for the US-a great feat for a land run by many greedy fools! so *yay*!!
The next day...California passed a law to ban same-sex "marriage." Though saddened, my jaw does not drop, however...

The pendulum violently swings....from good to bad, from sensible to illogical...from wisdom to utter foolishness...from sharing a collective consciousness (the US) to alienating and ostracizing.
So continues the neverending friction-fraught quest for happiness in a "middle ground" which finds no argument.

We all have to pay rent sometime

early Joan Collins, circa fromage era

Sylph's art

"Politics and Faith"

Sylph's art

Sylph's art

Kitch & Feminism!

(roAk n f3ckin roall)

my second foray into Celebrity-lookalikedness!

say what you will, but this silly shite is kinda good for the ole ego! and an excellent source of time-wastage!

I highly recommend it.

My (supposed) Celebrity Look-Alikes!

ok, Angelina...I aint complaining. haha

"Coming Out"

Today the world was rocked: Clay Aiken announced publically (via "People" magazine) that, yes, indeed he IS gay. Kudos, brother, kudos. In the face of conservative and self-righteous communities who may perceive this kind of pronouncement as a 'special' event around diversity, he has proven himself brave. Mind you, with all the pressure to come out as a public person, and media vultures clipping at one's ears until they are about to bleed, Clay's 'coming out' might arguably have been a strategic act of self-preservation. "I can't says I blame him."

In fact, his announcement has inspired my own exposition: I, (first name, last name), declare that I...am a "Heterosexual". Yep. Those of you who had suspected it, you were right all along. I have always been that way but was too scared to face things for fear of social, institutional oppression, and even public persecution (thank Goddess, I'm not famous! not yet anyway). In retrospect, I knew I was into Boys from an early age, from when my first crush in kindergarten saw me pee my pants. You can't buy this kind of humiliation. I remember standing in my school uniform at the front of the class begging the teacher to let me go to the washroom. She told me, "Not until you are finished reading the piece." But I could no longer read the piece, and she wasn't about to let me go to the washroom...but I um, did anyway. Right there, at the front of the classroom. Warm familiarity streaming down my gray nylons and puddling into my little black Dorothy shoes. I dared not look down, for the mortification of seeing it as being 'real' would prove too much for my little heart. But I saw 'his' eyes. Daniel (?), my crush, stared at me in disbelief and shame for me. He felt my pain. I wanted to cry but instead trudged away, making soft, gushy noises and silently cursing the day that cunt of a teacher had ever been born...

er, where was I? Well, my point was, from way back when, I knew that no matter how hard I tried, and how many times gay or bi-curious girls would sandwich me on the dance floor, or plant peckish, flirtateous kisses, no matter how many really cool, smart, sexy lesbians sort of 'checked me out' or gave me opportunity for 'eye sex'...I just did not have it in me to respond to the fairer sex. It's been men, boys, guys. I guess I must like dick. I am no longer going to be ashamed of that.

So...today, I feel brave enough to announce to friends and loved ones that I am indeed a "Heterosexual" Woman.

If only the world was not so judgemental of people or 'categorized' them as being different or incomplete somehow, if only there was less hate crimes centered around one's sexuality or any diversity, if only the state suported laws and policies that would protect those who only want to live their lives in peace and love another in the way that is real and right for THEM...if only things were more open and fair...I think I would have come out earlier. But the world isn't fair. And the Truth is scary to some people.

(Good on you, Clay.)