haughtiness

the wheel turns. I know this one.

so, I've been accused of being a...wit. Some have even alluded to me being more a wit to the "t", if you know wot I mean. And so I had me a think today: so what is my response to being accused of such controversies, of being suspected of such tomfoolery and less nobility, less solidity of character? Well, I don't like it when someone *mistakes* my playfulness for 'immaturity' (I have heard such utterances, now haven't I?). Nay, I care not for such misdirected attributes. Any more than one can address the issue of me stating notes in the clipped, yet dulcet tones of an older era, as I do now, can they explain why I joke when I do, and to whom and why! I will nonetheless, try.

Ok, so for the "short bus" (yes, terrible lack of PC'ness there, I know, I am fully acknowling it, but onwards...), since back to the 8th grade I have had my er, sense of humour thrown back proverbially into my face (so to speak), with people misunderstanding my character or dismissing me for a clown. Were they wrong?? (well. no. not exactly...) What they did not realize is that while I was (am) a jokester, I did not do it out of yang to "fit in" or to amuse or muster quick attention, I did it fluidly and naturally more out of the selfish urge to amuse MYSELF really! Things looked funny to me, I had an imagination and perceived odd pictures and quickly accessed the grotesque potential in the amplified levels of the truth...and I could witness, in a moment, such absurdity! and words sounded like others and could be toyed with, for hilarity! it was too easy..! yet, hard to resist. Perhaps I should have tried to..? Perhaps I over-did it.

Perhaps I continue to. Let that be my downfall. Many will not 'get' it, may not like me, (such fools...tsk*), may dismiss me again by not peering beneath my veneer of good humour and lightness. I suppose I am to blame for that, when I do not explain that having a sense of humour about things in general has helped me cling to hope through some dark times, had made my mother laugh until she shakes, has made my brother's cheeks tighen in a loud guffaw, has made a good party kinda better, has brought strangers to me as quick friends, has made me feel the hope a child feels by its purity, its innocense, has amused my friend until tears form. I have willingly stepped into the role of court jester, for her birthday, knowing that laughter makes her happy, pleasing her is an act of love for a friend. I have done so for others. Sometimes a kind word. Sometimes a lil joke.

I like to make people feel happy. But greater to that effect, I think I like to make ME feel happy. There are too many hours to account for laden with much anxiety, panic, fear, sadness, loneliness, self-loathing, insecurity, torment, and on and on... I have seen so many days like those. And once I was very, very sick and very, very sad...and I met myself on the way out, in a moment of mourning. I saw my youth and health vanishing and my face changed, my heart lost its hope, my spirit lost its innocense...a great part of me died then. I thought I must get out of this great pain. and I must use my will and my spirit as a way to get out!

(Well, I will spare you the details, dear reader, but I did get out.) Helped mightily by great Intention set in my mind, along with the ole perseverance that made me flip over the tree branch over and over one summer, until I could do that sommersault (!), plus a healthy dose of skepticism, and fueling this ride, was my Spirit. In it lived playfulness, humour, a childlike *thing* if you will, but whatever it is, it has served me well. And so I grew out of. I grew up into. I continue to.

Now that I am (more) grown up and seen past my serious teens and my politically correct 20's...to see that "growing up" should be about being happy, making yourself as happy as you can. Being true to your spirit, whoever you REALLY are (not who you've been told we are supposed to be, not who you think you might have been). It's about using the tools you've been given. Me...?? well, I like to think about things, and I like to play. The play has been good to me. And forgive me if I am bold, but I daresay I have witnessed a smile, a chuckle, small grins to those around me when I too share with them as they share their gifts with me. (I learned about sharing in kindergarden, got a A, did I ;)

I can say this without thinking of it as boast: Yes, I am a clown, but I am also a dreamer, a child, a wise woman, a teacher, a healer, a poet, a lech, an adventuress, a fighter, a (gentle) rogue, a chameleon...that lets me change my robe.

If you want to get all colloquial on me- "well, I've got one hand in my pocket and another one is showin' you how to perch and rotate!" I may look like an apple, but look a little closer, coz I am a pomegranite.

eind if ye don't like it, mate...(honki-ty, honk, honk)!