Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Loving the Alien

The Alien in yourself - 

I once had a spiritual teacher say that as we became healthier, dropped old patterns, brought toxic stuff to the surface to deal with it and clear it, it was not unusual to feel "like an alien in your own life". I experienced this. It was a source of shock to see which people I quickly annoyed or repelled when I became healthier, more honest with myself, and, as an extension of that, with them. Some accused me of not 'being a friend' because I moved away from my previous "sounding board" or "doormat role". My body told me quickly who I felt good around and who I didn't. I listened. Some people were upset or confused, yet I did not compulsively feel the need to make things be alright for them. It felt very counterintuitive, and it felt odd, like this Alien the teacher had been talking about. It was lonely for a time. People drifted away from me, others were drawn in. I became cautious, even wary to sense those who wanted something from me. I figured unless it was a two-way deal, I was no longer interested. It was an odd feeling to have a sense of knowingness about truths before they had even been spoken & gently trust in that. My spiritual self was growing, and along with it came growing pains.

To be an Alien in your own life, or more accurately stated, in your old life, can be a lonely business. Yet I was disposed to doing that in the hopes of being happier & healing from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. A few times I went back to my old ways, my old habits, my old comrades because I was afraid of being too different (read= alone).

These are all lessons. Today I know I have the choice to work on sustaining a higher energetic vibration which will resonate with certain people and possibly turn off others. There is a certain comfort in the familiar and the tendency is to move toward that, yet the choice is there. I can 'clear my aura' (for you aura types) or clean my shit up (for you colloquialist types), to find a clarity and feel better, find an honesty, a purity in an unencumbered, stronger version of myself. This strangeness though, is sometimes squirm-inducing, and very  disconcerting. You are not sure if you feel like laughing or crying, you are no longer sure of what you feel, but you are just BEING, and it feels weird not trying. You are not compelled to force something to be admired or liked and you are happy in the Being, not in the doingness. Period. No agenda, no expectation, no role playing. And it feels bloody fecking odd at times. I have been that Alien in my own life.

I unwittingly alienated old friends, and supposed friends who no longer related to me ("What? You're sick with CFS? What is that? Well, call me when you feel like partying again."). It sucked for a while, yet I knew I was doing the right thing. The great thing was that this loneliness gave me time to get to know myself and hell, I'll say it, LOVE myself when I had nothing to offer anyone, at my lowest point (poor and chronically ill). Some parts of me cried, some raged, some sweated, meditated, philosophized, some twisted in turmoil, others sat for hours on end pensively in the dark. It was the tumultuous time between the shedding of my old skin, and being reborn, with renewed inner strength. For the sake of survival, I had to learn to love her. Loving the Alien I had become took a lot of work and a more than a bit of courage.

With every new year, there is a new incarnation of her, though not as drastic as the previous ones! She lives another year's worth of experiences, she sheds her skin, each time becoming a slightly modified version of herself. What will she look like in 2012, I wonder...


The Alien on Earth - 


Nothing is a pure or permanent constant. All is susceptible to change. Change is alien. What is alien is unknown and change is greatly unknown, therefore we must adjust to the Alien. The ever-present Alien is a part of life, whether we accept it or not. 


The end of the year inevitably marks conclusions. It encapsulated a series of experiences and events bookmarked within the first and the last month of the year. Everything is tidily measured by the span of these two guide posts: Best of 2011, Best Films of the Year, Notably Moments of the Year...and so on. This measure prompts me to also wonder about the next installment that is coming my way. That I must look back & see: what worked, what didn't, what lessons were learned, what successes I achieved, what changes occurred and so on.  

I don't believe in making Resolutions at this time in particular, considering it as bad an idea as "dieting". It sets up too high expectations which can lead people to run in the opposite direction in rebellion, or desperation, cracking from the self-imposed pressure. Ambition: yes, Castigation: not so much, thanks. Why do that to ourselves? On the other hand, if setting goals in stone helps you lose a stone (for the Brits), then go to it! Whatever floats your boat.

Resolutions for me are kind of a small, tightly compressed dinghy, which makes me not want to board in the first place. So I opt to think about how I can manifest what I want in the ways I can, as the year rolls along. (Admittedly, my strategy may need work as I tend to see how things 'pan out', then adjust my game plan, and the Game Plan of late has been relatively weak. "Five Year Plan"? I couldn't tell you because I don't have one.)

I said that everything was susceptible to change and change is in great part, inevitable- sometimes even unforeseen. Last year for me, was more about me responding to changes and then adapting, rather than steering the boat and manifesting what I wanted. I'm not sure how this Strategy (lack of), really worked for me. It was a pretty drab year, save for one success in my creative life, which was greatly satisfactory, and instilled new confidence in me creatively. That was probably the highlight, but the rest of it...maeh. It's good to be adaptable, but it seems that there was a bit too much of that. I'm not sure where being adaptable was wise (ie. "Survival of Fittest") and where I may have been too passive; receptive to change but not proactive as I could have been. (I suppose some of that is ensconsed in fear.)

For the coming year, I think I want to tack a different approach: that of conscious manifestation. It's been a long while since I have actively applied this concept, or had much faith in it (or had much faith in anything, truth be told) figuring that life was so fickle and unpredictable anyway, that there is not much point in Planning.

But I wonder. It's making me want to take a look at what I DO want in my life, see what I have and see what I am missing. Not all changes bring you what you need, but for the most part the things I have wanted have not changed drastically. They mostly consist of small goals (good job, nice place to live, good social life, etc.), while the Big Stuff (career, love, a sense of purpose & personal satisfaction) I have left to the Big Guy (or Gal), or more accurately, to "It"; Universe, Source.

I feel I have not done a proper job of manifesting since I have not set clear Intention, and specifically for things. I have wanted and hoped for, and tried my luck, but without impeccable intention and discipline toward it. The word impeccable has often been used in my spiritual learnings, to refer to a clarity of manner, of holding yourself. It is a good word and 'tidies' things up, so I am choosing to use it.

Staying in indecision is a bit of a stall tactic I have nearly perfected. I know because setting an Intention takes courage. It means having to back up what you are made of, what you actually want (not 'say' you want to appease others) and what you are willing to do to attain a certain goal. It's not just praying or wishing really hard on something and hoping somebody throws you a bone. It is making a deal with yourself in your spirit, body and your mind, and setting a specific goal. It is tuning yourself up so that when you connect to Source, Universe, etc. you will be receptive to finding and seeing what you need, to attain this Thing. It's sounds complicated, but is plainly easy in that it requires you to have integrity. To honour a sort of contract with yourself, and only for yourself, whereby your mind, heart, spirit, are harmoniously in synch for wanting this Thing, and so attune to nature & the world around you in a stronger way to find it.

I once had my wise brother in his succinct way say to me, "Your spirit is in disarray" as I asked why I was so sick (before being diagnosed with CFS). He hit the nail on the head. I was terribly unhappy in many facets of my life, and tried to live my life the way I thought others wanted me to. I hurt myself by not being authentic with who I was, what I wanted or needed, and resisting just about all that made me feel joyous. (Another lesson from the School of Hard Knocks, where I graduated with Honours, naivete cum laude. Still attending night classes;)

I have come to believe that much of what we choose are things that either 'resonate' with us or do not, and we grab them based on our needs at the time. For example, we may know that taking a certain job or dating a certain person will not make us happy, we have a certain 'feeling' about it but we do it anyway. We all have our reasons: to prove something to ourselves, for survival (money!), to complete unfinished business, fear of failure, fear of success, and other tapes. To use the lexicon of the Good (face)Book: It's Complicated.

This coming year, I aim to steer the ship more and consciously manifest, yet also to embrace the unforeseen, the Alien. I will not only welcome it, but make room for it in my livingroom and have snacks ready. "Dear new greatnesses, you sparkly little Aliens, I wanted to invite you in to my life, and now I have you here! And I am ready."

Welcome 2012, I have been expecting you. Now, we need to have a talk about a few things...

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