I had to consider which blog to use today, today, and in general. The one fit for public consumption (only a selected, special *few* of said public, but still..) or the Ugly Cry one, where I usually dump a barrage of bad feeling and 'the pains of the world' onto (the purging one). sigh.
I want to write a Vicious Blogging and be clever and rapier-witted as before. BUT everytime I ponder on writing- anything- I get blocked, and can't remember what it was that was so darned clever that I simply HAD to sit and write about before it left the building. Well, shit. Most ideas that *almost* inspire me to finally squawk on, leave the building. In fact, all this fresh tripe is the stuff of ad-libbing. Yep, I'm fresh out of clever.
Ok: Initial thoughts or stirrings that bothered me enough to ponder (gulp) writing. Here they are in order of popping into meh head:
1) Well, I feel a little ripped off. In the love dept, I have excelled. In the reciprocation dept, there has been substantial "room for improvement" and emotionally things have been "challenging"(translated to politically incorrect speak): being a loving person has sucked ass when I have picked people who neither see me nor appreciate me enough to love me as I deserve (that's right- I said it!) DESERVE to be loved. It sucks balls. It's a fucking bummer. It's not helping me NOT feel old, unattractive, and out of shape. I have these thoughts all fine by myself, thankyouverymuch. These stumbles have only contributed to (or reiterated said negative thoughts). And I don't need that shit.
sigh. I know that I am tired and stressed out. and when I am these two things together (what a doozy!), I get bummed. Today is such an instance. It will pass, but today it has felt like a weight on my chest and I have been shrugging off the exhaustion and anxiety like last season's lime green poncho (get it offa me!). Yes, things feel worse than they are in actuality. PERHAPS. Still I am allowed my glorious gripe. I hope that by having it, I will be able to lose it.
2) I wanted a job where I could find beauty, where I would (hopefully) have some autonomy, where I actually looked forward to coming to work. Well, by Job I've got it! and ...and ...fuckin..AND I am stressed out of my fecking tree! Not to say I'm ot grateful for the job, a decent job, a job that I like (yay*), a job that has pretty view (which is does), a lot of positives here - BUT. It feels overwhelming sometimes, where I AM the whole band, I AM U2! I play all the instruments and do the post-production AND then write a critique about it! holy feck! so, yeah.. It's got me in a bit of a tizzy. :P and I need to handle stress WAAAY better, before it does me in. Goddess, give me strength and wisdom and focus and patience and fortitude to deal with the demands and still be gracious and charming, handle the stress well, and keep my lovely little job (and for a long time, I hope).
It feels a bit like a weird game I play. "How much shit can I take before I stress myself right out and let everything affect me and make me sick again? let's see..."
well, I dont want to play that game. It is dangerous and NON-productive nor helpful. It is self-perpetuating, and can be a losing one. I have to change it into dodgeball or something else real quickly! Want to master it, not make it into Master and Servant (and me on the suffering bottom).
3) ah, Mom. Love her, she means well but she (and living here with her) remind me of the Life I aim to carve...which I have yet to have. Living with mom, we are so incompatible, it could be a sitcom. A passive-aggressive dramedy about an irritable, resentful adult daughter and her foibles with a cantankerous, ill-mannered child who either nags or gets into a hissy fit over any eyebrow raised at the wrong angle. Maybe I should call it, "And Then There's Angie", or "Goddess Help Us", with a catchy little tune like that of "and then there's Maude!"
4) Then there's this: What Do I Want. I mean really. Not What Do I Want that I tell people, but what, at the heart of me , do I really want. It seems to change slightly year by year now. I do not know now, nor do I have a 5 year plan. I don't know if that is fear-based, or just plain lazy. sigh. It feels like I'm afraid to Plan ahead, to have hope, to make plans. It feels easier to ride the wave, go with the flow, since life (for me, at least) has certainly not played out according to the script I had 'read' or been informed on. My life has been decidedly unpredictable. Is that good? I don't know.
ie. Not sure I want the acting thing that badly. If I did, I would have pics and be seeking out an agent, etc. Maybe I don't believe I can do it, or that it can be fruitful for me at this point. I do know that I want security. In a time of chronic financial insecurity, I really crave stability and security. Blame my post-war upbringing, blame my immediate family (and their perpetual lack of it...), blame the modern jobstate. I have never KNOWN true security nor felt safe with any consistency, so I need to have this become a constant in my life. I need to BE that example I am missing.
It's important that, after 15+ yrs of struggling, and being sick then being the "well-dressed poor", that I find security in some measure. Perhaps after I have found it, befriended it, and sat with it for a while, I will be able to feel I can 'risk' again (ie. the acting thing). All I've done is risk in my life, but I need to find the other side: discipline and persistence to achieve success.
Right now, I am so drained with stress, that the Intention to have a creatively fulfilling life and the ACTUALITY of it seem at opposite sides of the spectrum. They seem incongruent. I need to find my own way to reconcile my (alleged instability, unsafe, unpredictable) 'art' with my career choices (by contrast, seemingly stable, safe, livable beyond "survival" state), until I feel I can manage both.
Also, I am wise enough to know that Happiness is fleeting. It is temporary, like everything else in life, and is found in moments. Sometimes they last for years, sometimes months, sometimes days. I can't wait intil that 'Ideal' day (or job, man, event, thing, or situation) sits prettily at my feet to claim this elusive Happiness. So I look for it every day, in something - a kind word, a sweet sight, a moving song, a good memory, a decent hug, a good cuppa coffee.
On that note, if I don't find romantic 'love' this year, so be it. I know that I will HAVE loved others three-fold, and made the world a better place. Instead of spite or other nasty things, the best un-revenge will be to stay Shiny, to emit light and love, to be gracious in spite of the ugly, or the pain. I'm not advocating being a martyr, just to ride the wave and master the consequences of change, so you can own your power again. Wrestling my demons is private, smiling like the conquistador who ate the demon is public.
I'm flawed as hell but I'm a good person with a planet of offerings. I have to remember to not give it all away, without leaving the big Love for ME.
and with this thought, I bid adieu.
I'm flawed as hell but I'm a good person with a planet of offerings. I have to remember to not give it all away, without leaving the big Love for ME.
and with this thought, I bid adieu.
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