the most painfully chronic has of late been the what-the-fuck-am-I-supposed-to-do-in-the-dating-world kind.
I try to live with integrity -as much as I can- when it comes time to sharing with people I like and care about. With friends I want to feel that I am really with them and honour their prescence, as I hope they do mine. I want to share of myself and also listen, through a natural ebb and flow, so to let moments 'occur'. So...why doens't this concept extend to the Dating world? do the Rules suddenly change there?
For me there is a sense of "should I feel something...or should I not"? When is it 'safe' to FEEL when one is starting to date? After all, if one is to be in the presence of someone to try and get to know them, isn't it right to be 'present' emotionally as well? To laugh when something is funny, to smile when there is something endearing, to blush when there is something blush-worthy. But Jeebus H. C. BillyBobThorntonWilder, what happens if you like a guy?? That's a NO-NO! just BADDDD news!! But why?? It confuses the shit out of me. (ok, I'm tired, I'm slinging out dirty colloquialisms. I pronounce tonight "Freeform Sweary night"!)
I feel like I am expected to be passionate one minute (or in certain scenarios), then dispassionate and emotionally 'detached' the next. Internally flicking an invisible On and Off switch just in case 'they', the TM's (Timid Men) don't want to get closer or you know, actually feel icky things..like feelings and stuff. I am to Keep Disengaged and coyly come out only IF and when there are clear and distinct indications that he is feeling positively about me. Oh. Joy. (Why don't I just go and charge the vibe batts now..) But why is it up to TM's? Why are these men the proverbial deers-in-headlights, easily-spooked, emotionally fragile creatures, darting off into the forest at the merest whisper of feelings? How and why do THEY get to wield so much power with respect to issuing the "green light" relationship-wise? What does a 'green light' look like these days anyway?? "Hey, I could maybe fuck you again." "how R U doin" (thru the texting* medium), or "Wow, you parallel park pretty good...for a girl." Huh?? this shiz be-confu-fuddles the f*ck outta me!
It is easy to keep a cool head if one is 'not that into' the dude (no, not the Lebowski ~we loves him~), but it becomes a messy string of turns if one should actually become (gulp) innerested in a person. The Rules state I have to play hide the heart while he tries to play hide the sausage...or something like that. But the point is to hide something from the other. Thing is: I hate hiding, suck at poker, wear my fuckin heart on my sleeve most of the time, and have a hard time unplugging my Bullshit Detector. It is always ON! It is my downfall, it is my greatest ally. I Curse the Skies! (in dramatic fashion a la Charlton Heston circa first Apes movie) "Damn you, Bullshit Detector, damn you for cajoling me into being real and earnest, even when I bloody know I oughtn't be! Damn. you. to HELL..!" (and.........Scene.)Maybe that is part of my problem. Maybe I AM too earnest. But is it really so bad to say to someone, "Hey, I like you. Do you want to hang out again?" Yet suddenly this blockade is erected, an underworld of emotional and sexual politics comes to the fore, where truths are veiled, details spun and distorted, and behaviour altered and manipulated, in order to Keep the Upper Hand! God forbid you become vulnerable, and say, "(gulp) golly, Beav, I guess kind of like you too. Ok, let's hang out." Why was this easy when I was 22? But now, are the stakes higher the higher the number..?
After a string of one-night-stands-that-looked-and-sure-sounded-like-they-were-meant-to-be-more faltered, I did the math and realized they had all died Harakiri style immediately upon me starting to Trust (aha- tsk* tsk*) that the other person may have meant what he said. Examples: "I definitely want to see you again," "no, I WILL call you," "Sure, we can hang out again.", "Let's just keep trying to connect." (And some, if I really admit it, were nowhere romantic to begin with, the post-coitus having been met with a limp-handed, grazing handshake some eye-avoidance and a mumble like "ok, 'night." WTF. Literally?)
I don't know how the hell I am supposed to be Present, or Real, or Open to feeling 'Feelings', while at the same time aiming to protect my heart so much from terrible rejection and regret. Is this not a contradiction in nature? How do you reconcile being a passionate, feeling person and keeping cool and emotionally detached in games of the heart? How can I date without engaging my heart?? Isn't that the whole POINT of the exercise? oy to the f*cken vey.
Today, I am trying to keep my uh, expectations in check, and by "in check" I mean non-existent. "Don't expect courtesy, kindness, honesty, or reciprocated admiration, or the courage to be real with you, Missy! But don't forget to act surprised IF and when they drop you a text bomb to invite you to tea!" Now, Sit up, stick your tongue out, and pant quickly! (oh, how cute! Girls are SO cute, when they deny themselves the full spectrum of the human experience! :))
These heart/head games suck because they dampen any joy, contentment, or the tiny blush that threatens to keep my mind entertained for days on 'afterward'. It sucks because somehow I must repress ANY inklings of happiness "just in case" I am to be met with horrible impending rejection. "Don't even bother feeling excited about the prospect of anything promising, gurl. Just get to a poundcake now and unplug the phone. Uhm-hum."
Honestly, the "stay or go" game is such an emotional rollercoaster, that I feel like bowing out completely, and going to projectile v. somewhere nearby. I sometimes wish my spirit DIDN'T strive for hope, truth or that elusive thing..romantic happiness! Things would be SOO much easier without the want of it! "Damn you, Spirit! Damn. You. To. Hell..!"
For me the Feeling stuff comes easy, but this despondent and detached shit- now THAT is hard.
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