Ponderings from the "Ponderosa"
Went to see a certain movie last night (hint: one of the most anticipated and most controversial so far this year...associated with a certain famous work of art. 'k, nuff said). Sitting there in the throes of the thrilling first moments of previews...my second favourite part of "going to the movies"! Suddenly a young(ish) couple sits behind us. I glance at them quickly in an effort to assess their "loud-talkedness" potential..They had come in talking, "I hope they don't keep yacking during the movie", I think to myself.
(I'll take a dramatic pause here.)
You know how people tell you "don't think about it, it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy"? Damn them, those f&*^% are right! The couple came in talking loud, they sat behind us talking borderline (but enough for us to understand every word) loud...despite my attempts to thwart their behaviour with a couple of stern "sshh"s during the course of the (long) movie. Nuthin. I was getting irritated, and even more so when halfway through they came back with popcorn and started to munch it loudly and openly for the enjoyment of the patrons around them. "Such assholes". I told myself, "don't give them any attention. That is what they want". It took every fibre of my Will and focus of mindset to repeatedly "ignore" them, until I realized I was working so damned hard to have a good time, enjoy the movie - in spite of some rude, stupid inconsiderate people who were trying to spoil it.
Why is this phenomena so prevalent? It's like they 'spot you', "This one will do". "Betcha we can really inflict damage here!" Sometimes I feel it is so unfair (whine) that since there is a lot of negative energy and antagonism in the world, those of us who ARE sensitive and feel this intent (vicious, sometimes malevolent) have to work overtime to survive and not be so wounded in the process. (I've ALWAYS have a sense of someone who has a bad "vibe", since I was little. Perhaps they too have 'sensed' me.) You don't want to give away your power to them, so you don't overreact...in the meantime the bullies get away with being bullies and continue to exercise the "power-over" dynamic and drain the energy from the nicer people. This is friggin' not right, people!
I know that ultimately it is up to 'you' to change your attitude or mindset, etc. since you're never going to change anyone else, around you. I 'know' that. Yet in my heart, I feel conflicted and wonder when is it correct to yell back, to shove back, to not back down from the fight? I have confronted the "uglies" (bullies, meanspirited people, etc.) before, with "mixed" results. I am usually the kind to reluctantly turn the other cheek (at the expense of getting my cheeks 'tanned' with abuse! in the past), yet there remains a constant state of unrest inside for me from this dilemna. I don't want to become like them and get sucked into the power game, yet I don't want to be easy fodder for pummeling either. I would above all, like to feel "safe".
As soon as I start to feel safe again, there comes another 'test', another healthy shot of antagonism and negativity just to 'keep me on my toes'. Sometimes I just want to hang my head down and cry from a sense of inevitability. It hurts to feel malevolence from others, it feels raw and I labour with converting my anger and frustration into Righteous Rage (the Correct direction of this force/energy). I feel as though there is no letting the guard down, that is when they swoop in and try to rob you, or drain your energies. Sigh. People can be so mean. I will never fully comprehend that...
Next day, the "movie thing" is behind me. I thought about the actual "movie" and the amount of times I am reminded of the mean-spirited couple has shortened, for the most part. I study for 3 hours, then go to the park. It is sunny but not hot yet, it is windy but not too cool. I like this wind. The sensation makes me feel like a little girl again, one who used to glee at the wind messing up the curls around her face! There is a man there with a little kite he is setting up for his young daughter. He shows her how to fly it. He is clearly enjoying himself. Maybe he's a kid too now, one who's forgotten he's supposed to be 'giving lessons' here, not just flying the kite for himself! ha ha. I lose myself for a moment ans pretend I am flying that kite too. I watch it drift and swoop and dance, teasing the winds. Suddenly, it swoops downward. Plop. A full stop. The man and his daughter smile and gather the kite for flying again.
I lay supine on the warm grass. Feel the beat of the warm earth. Ah, yes Mother, I had forgotten how rich your arms were. I had forgotten how I could always come and be embraced by you and the sun. I do need it today. I start to drift now. The warmth and the soft winds are combining in a lullaby for me...I drift, drift...suddenly a pedestrian shuffles along the sidewalk, making a great "harking" noise and a throated sound of collecting phlegm. He spits the great gob. I feel disgust. "Pig!", I think. I imagine: what if every Tom, Dick and Harry Potter were to walk around like that and dump their 'refuse' on every sidewalk. And if no city maintenance came in to do water sweeps to flush it away??" I think I would vomit. Hideous picture.
I quickly decide to shift the focus. "Think of something nice, think of something nice, quickly!" Ah, ok, got it. I picture the kite flyer and his kite again. Yes, that is the vision that I chose to fill my attention. There be too many other distractors and competition for my mind and my senses, too many that could destroy my good spirits and too many that might deflate my belief in things beautiful and the inherent goodness in (most) people. Sometimes it is a real challenge to remember all this - knowing what we know of our volatile, small world...
Determinedly, I have re-set my mindset, and it won't be the last time. I think "I would rather witness the kite, and the kite-flyer and his daughter, share in their reverie, wonder and celebration doing this simple, sweet ritual. I would rather let some bitter little disgust and mean "ugly" pass right by me, and freely move away and outward. This "ugly" never belonged to me and I therefore do not want this negativity to hurt me. I will always see it, and I will always have to acknowledge that it exists. But for today (and the next), I must employ steely persistence to see/hear/feel the "kite-flyers" and not the "phlegm collectors".
That is the gentle reminder I received today. For this I am thankful.
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