1) Getting access to the world at large via Grimley. I climbed a little
hill all by myself, mentored by Des and nurtured by a little theatre
community who said to me, without words, you have a good work here and
it is worth producing, We believe in it. By extension, I started to
believe in myself again, as being capable (if not, good) writer, at
least. I started to Believe again, and started to Hope anew- things
considered for too long as whimsical and nonsensical to rely on or pay
much mind to. Things painfully put upon a sad little shelf, where they
left a missing-an-appendage ghost type of feelings. Something felt amiss yet I could not put my finger on what.
Grimley
was the dark rose that would blossom for me. Paradoxically, through it I
found such light and joy again, 'pleasantly surprising' people, receiving support and accolades from
friends and kind strangers. This high would carry me for weeks after the
work had passed...the song of Grimley and the happy residue of its ghost
danced upon my heart and dared me to cut a rug with a little gleam in
my eye again. A spark was lit anew!
2) Getting access to the
Green Room - and the innards of the Theatre Actor life again... Ah!
treading the boards again! What joy. I missed the old costumes, the
smells, the powders and wigs, and the private little jokes that are
posted and hanging all over the room like a mad scavenger hunt... I was
playing in the sandbox again, something I had once done so well, the way
children 'play' with abandon. I had to push myself into discomfort in
order to be bold and fearless, and not be afraid of visibility. I had to
leave all fears aside as I focused on the Work. The Work would also
translate into relying on instinct more than intellect again and
learning to trust that there was 'something' there to not only catch me,
but also propel me up and keep me standing. I lost a lot in "the 5 year
war" (CFS)...Trust in my talent and physicality being chief among them.
3) "Deciding
to Get An Agent"- something I had not seriously contemplated for want
of 'being in a better'... position financially, life-wise, career-wise,
weight-wise, etc.. until finally I looked at myself and the way I was
actually living my life. I was, and had been for some time now, living
it as though I was making room for Acting and writing in some manner,
leaving flexibility and access to return to it. Realizing this, I
figured I might as well go all the way in, and try to earn some money
at doing something I enjoyed and had loved all of my life. It would no longer be a closeted "want" that ould never manifest. I would give this Manifestation thing a decent turn! This meant,
changing up The Plan re: career chasing and job structuring, perspective on work vs. career, etc. and some
turmoil was had by that... sigh. In the end, I have not given this
Artist part of my life such front and centre precedence before, until
now. I was to Seize the Day before I get too old, or sad, or settled, forgetful or wayward off the path of who I really am: an artist with
a social working heart, but an Artist, first and foremost. My brother
was right.
4) Getting, procuring, almost begging for a laptop, or
notepad on which to take my scribblings out of the house and away from
the four walls! It will cost me $125 for an old laptop from a friend,
but that is a modest price for my sanity and for nurturing my writing
without it feeling self-punitive, by virtue of trapping me inside a tiny
room in order to do it! The world, both inner and outer felt expansive
again and so I breathed. I went to a coffee shop, where I opened my new
(used) tool and...began to write.
