Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Loving the Alien

The Alien in yourself - 

I once had a spiritual teacher say that as we became healthier, dropped old patterns, brought toxic stuff to the surface to deal with it and clear it, it was not unusual to feel "like an alien in your own life". I experienced this. It was a source of shock to see which people I quickly annoyed or repelled when I became healthier, more honest with myself, and, as an extension of that, with them. Some accused me of not 'being a friend' because I moved away from my previous "sounding board" or "doormat role". My body told me quickly who I felt good around and who I didn't. I listened. Some people were upset or confused, yet I did not compulsively feel the need to make things be alright for them. It felt very counterintuitive, and it felt odd, like this Alien the teacher had been talking about. It was lonely for a time. People drifted away from me, others were drawn in. I became cautious, even wary to sense those who wanted something from me. I figured unless it was a two-way deal, I was no longer interested. It was an odd feeling to have a sense of knowingness about truths before they had even been spoken & gently trust in that. My spiritual self was growing, and along with it came growing pains.

To be an Alien in your own life, or more accurately stated, in your old life, can be a lonely business. Yet I was disposed to doing that in the hopes of being happier & healing from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. A few times I went back to my old ways, my old habits, my old comrades because I was afraid of being too different (read= alone).

These are all lessons. Today I know I have the choice to work on sustaining a higher energetic vibration which will resonate with certain people and possibly turn off others. There is a certain comfort in the familiar and the tendency is to move toward that, yet the choice is there. I can 'clear my aura' (for you aura types) or clean my shit up (for you colloquialist types), to find a clarity and feel better, find an honesty, a purity in an unencumbered, stronger version of myself. This strangeness though, is sometimes squirm-inducing, and very  disconcerting. You are not sure if you feel like laughing or crying, you are no longer sure of what you feel, but you are just BEING, and it feels weird not trying. You are not compelled to force something to be admired or liked and you are happy in the Being, not in the doingness. Period. No agenda, no expectation, no role playing. And it feels bloody fecking odd at times. I have been that Alien in my own life.

I unwittingly alienated old friends, and supposed friends who no longer related to me ("What? You're sick with CFS? What is that? Well, call me when you feel like partying again."). It sucked for a while, yet I knew I was doing the right thing. The great thing was that this loneliness gave me time to get to know myself and hell, I'll say it, LOVE myself when I had nothing to offer anyone, at my lowest point (poor and chronically ill). Some parts of me cried, some raged, some sweated, meditated, philosophized, some twisted in turmoil, others sat for hours on end pensively in the dark. It was the tumultuous time between the shedding of my old skin, and being reborn, with renewed inner strength. For the sake of survival, I had to learn to love her. Loving the Alien I had become took a lot of work and a more than a bit of courage.

With every new year, there is a new incarnation of her, though not as drastic as the previous ones! She lives another year's worth of experiences, she sheds her skin, each time becoming a slightly modified version of herself. What will she look like in 2012, I wonder...


The Alien on Earth - 


Nothing is a pure or permanent constant. All is susceptible to change. Change is alien. What is alien is unknown and change is greatly unknown, therefore we must adjust to the Alien. The ever-present Alien is a part of life, whether we accept it or not. 


The end of the year inevitably marks conclusions. It encapsulated a series of experiences and events bookmarked within the first and the last month of the year. Everything is tidily measured by the span of these two guide posts: Best of 2011, Best Films of the Year, Notably Moments of the Year...and so on. This measure prompts me to also wonder about the next installment that is coming my way. That I must look back & see: what worked, what didn't, what lessons were learned, what successes I achieved, what changes occurred and so on.  

I don't believe in making Resolutions at this time in particular, considering it as bad an idea as "dieting". It sets up too high expectations which can lead people to run in the opposite direction in rebellion, or desperation, cracking from the self-imposed pressure. Ambition: yes, Castigation: not so much, thanks. Why do that to ourselves? On the other hand, if setting goals in stone helps you lose a stone (for the Brits), then go to it! Whatever floats your boat.

Resolutions for me are kind of a small, tightly compressed dinghy, which makes me not want to board in the first place. So I opt to think about how I can manifest what I want in the ways I can, as the year rolls along. (Admittedly, my strategy may need work as I tend to see how things 'pan out', then adjust my game plan, and the Game Plan of late has been relatively weak. "Five Year Plan"? I couldn't tell you because I don't have one.)

I said that everything was susceptible to change and change is in great part, inevitable- sometimes even unforeseen. Last year for me, was more about me responding to changes and then adapting, rather than steering the boat and manifesting what I wanted. I'm not sure how this Strategy (lack of), really worked for me. It was a pretty drab year, save for one success in my creative life, which was greatly satisfactory, and instilled new confidence in me creatively. That was probably the highlight, but the rest of it...maeh. It's good to be adaptable, but it seems that there was a bit too much of that. I'm not sure where being adaptable was wise (ie. "Survival of Fittest") and where I may have been too passive; receptive to change but not proactive as I could have been. (I suppose some of that is ensconsed in fear.)

For the coming year, I think I want to tack a different approach: that of conscious manifestation. It's been a long while since I have actively applied this concept, or had much faith in it (or had much faith in anything, truth be told) figuring that life was so fickle and unpredictable anyway, that there is not much point in Planning.

But I wonder. It's making me want to take a look at what I DO want in my life, see what I have and see what I am missing. Not all changes bring you what you need, but for the most part the things I have wanted have not changed drastically. They mostly consist of small goals (good job, nice place to live, good social life, etc.), while the Big Stuff (career, love, a sense of purpose & personal satisfaction) I have left to the Big Guy (or Gal), or more accurately, to "It"; Universe, Source.

I feel I have not done a proper job of manifesting since I have not set clear Intention, and specifically for things. I have wanted and hoped for, and tried my luck, but without impeccable intention and discipline toward it. The word impeccable has often been used in my spiritual learnings, to refer to a clarity of manner, of holding yourself. It is a good word and 'tidies' things up, so I am choosing to use it.

Staying in indecision is a bit of a stall tactic I have nearly perfected. I know because setting an Intention takes courage. It means having to back up what you are made of, what you actually want (not 'say' you want to appease others) and what you are willing to do to attain a certain goal. It's not just praying or wishing really hard on something and hoping somebody throws you a bone. It is making a deal with yourself in your spirit, body and your mind, and setting a specific goal. It is tuning yourself up so that when you connect to Source, Universe, etc. you will be receptive to finding and seeing what you need, to attain this Thing. It's sounds complicated, but is plainly easy in that it requires you to have integrity. To honour a sort of contract with yourself, and only for yourself, whereby your mind, heart, spirit, are harmoniously in synch for wanting this Thing, and so attune to nature & the world around you in a stronger way to find it.

I once had my wise brother in his succinct way say to me, "Your spirit is in disarray" as I asked why I was so sick (before being diagnosed with CFS). He hit the nail on the head. I was terribly unhappy in many facets of my life, and tried to live my life the way I thought others wanted me to. I hurt myself by not being authentic with who I was, what I wanted or needed, and resisting just about all that made me feel joyous. (Another lesson from the School of Hard Knocks, where I graduated with Honours, naivete cum laude. Still attending night classes;)

I have come to believe that much of what we choose are things that either 'resonate' with us or do not, and we grab them based on our needs at the time. For example, we may know that taking a certain job or dating a certain person will not make us happy, we have a certain 'feeling' about it but we do it anyway. We all have our reasons: to prove something to ourselves, for survival (money!), to complete unfinished business, fear of failure, fear of success, and other tapes. To use the lexicon of the Good (face)Book: It's Complicated.

This coming year, I aim to steer the ship more and consciously manifest, yet also to embrace the unforeseen, the Alien. I will not only welcome it, but make room for it in my livingroom and have snacks ready. "Dear new greatnesses, you sparkly little Aliens, I wanted to invite you in to my life, and now I have you here! And I am ready."

Welcome 2012, I have been expecting you. Now, we need to have a talk about a few things...

Sunday, December 18, 2011

phlemboyant & conspicuous 'offerrings' I could do without

aka. Spitters of the world...unite and get off my sidewalk!

Dear gob-collector, what makes you think I am remotely interested in witnessing the refuse from inside your phlem-laden body? I am no more interested in that than I am at looking at your artistically deposited excrement, no matter how 'impressive' a feat it may seem to you. 
 
NOTE: the exception being, unless I was at an unconventional art show for which I had paid tickets to, or willingly subjected myself to.

The Philosophy of Bullshittism

Friday night I was feeling philosophical while waiting for a bus on a chilly night.

I stood around for 20 minutes, and during that time it occurred to that I might be slightly more entertained at this moment if I was a smoker. I could do more business with my hands and manage to look cooler, like the punk-looking bunch smoking close by. Instead, I jammed my Oliver Twist-esque mittens - complete with holes in fingers - into my coat pockets, and shifted my feet from side to side, trying to keep warm.

Bus "A" finally came around the corner. I hopped on then quickly realized that it was actually not going the route that I had intended. Dang! I mentally reconfigured the plan to get home. A few stops later, I spotted a bus ahead that WAS going to route I had originally intended. When bus A caught up to bus B (the one ahead), I made an executive decision to quickly jump out and to run my ass off toward bus B (which was momentarily sitting there). I ran with the speed of one who has a heavy, awkward knapsack bouncing on her back, and just as I was gaining on the door, the bus veered away. I called out, "Hey! Wait!" but in vain...Vroom. Bus "A" had taken off too. Some dude looked at me sympathetically. I shrugged & smiled. It was a risk I had taken and missed it by seconds really. I thought, "Fuck it. Maybe I needed to walk anyway, burn off some of those cookie calories," then trudged along.

As a trudged another *test* presented itself onto "Grasshopper" (yes, a Kung-Fu reference). I spotted another bus (bus "C") that also followed the route I had originally intended. I watched it roll up to the stop, happy that I was finally at the right place, at the right time. Once on it, I realized this could take me all the way to the ultimate destination with no skytrain to take, no other bus transfers, just another 40 minutes or so of riding it in patience. As the "sure thing" bus C ambled along, it stopped by a skytrain. I quickly did the transit math: if I hopped off now, I would walk to the skytrain, the train would be @ 15 mins, then I'd walk another 10 to get home. Bus C would take a bit longer and was a safe bet- but the trip would consist of only ONE thing with no variation, a long trip on an old bus that felt warm already, which would require a bit more patience.

But I like variety. And I lack patience. I'd rather have the exchanges, the dashing for the bus here and there, the awkward transfers. These little extra efforts to get somewhere make me feel more alive somehow. "Road Less Travelled"? I have probably taken it out of stubbornness, a sense of adventure, or curiosity. I need to feel I have earned what I have manifested, and I like to see the trail of work I have put into something, leaving a veritable popcorn trail of sorts along my travails.

In the transit decisions I made, I realized I had rarely taken the 'safe bet' bus to anywhere, usually opting to take risks and move toward the unknown bus with a certain commitment (the kind of commitment it takes to run for a bus that's leaving any second!). Every opportunity offers some pros and cons, different options to consider, different connections to make to ultimately get to the same place. But what kind of trip do you want to take? That is the key to the kind of traveller you will choose to be. 

So I hopped off comfy but tedious bus C. Walked to skytrain, sat waiting on a cold metallic seat, took train, and walked home, kept company by some MP3 songs which made me happy.

moral of this story: Traveler, go which way you will, be prepared to think on your feet, and... always have your ticket handy ;)

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Drunken Loutings

To that drunkard who said and did louty things. I see you lashing out at the world so the world hurts you right back. most people react to you accordingly and throw curses or angry glares your way when you act like a drunken asshole. It is what you have become a master at. But I see through you to spot a mechanism of instinct and survival: dog eat dog. This is what you have come to know of a reality, and perhaps at the root, you may be right.

Well Sir, I may frustrate you when I treat you with quiet dignity despite your hostility. I feel it's pain that speaks through the lashing out. You became lost a long time ago, perhaps & this is what is left, your Survival self. I see many people who make their livelihoods out of survival, becoming Survivalists, more than merely survivors. You show your agency that way and to that I pay my respects, in earnest.

Although you may not be shown much respect day to day, please do not abuse my kindness, I do not advocate violence nor am I trying to justify yours. I am no better from you and do not hold myself at such an esteem, but I do try to understand where you might be coming from, and counter your behaviour with kindness if i can (but I'm not perfect either). Do not abuse the gentle who cross your path, for sometimes they are but few in between. Do not confuse me with a doormat that wants to be yelled at, purged onto or kicked.

When you swatted my arm what hurt the most was my heart. I felt a bit shocked, then confused as to how you did not see I would be no threat to you when I asked if you were ok. In a fit of misdirected anger, you purposefully knocked the drink out of my hand and though my arm gave a sting, my feelings hurt more somehow. At that moment, in my naivete, it seemed that you had broken the contract between human beings, the one that I have come to know whereby there are no perpetrators, no victims, no abuse, no attacking, no retaliation without any 'just cause'. It's an attempt at instilling a sense of order from chaos in an irrational world, at least in theory, so sometimes I clutch to it.

Then I realized you & I did not share the same 'rules'. We could not. We share this world but are somehow planets apart. Your rules are of survival, hand to mouth and moment to moment living, subsistence, where each 'Survivalist' has a tactic: some try to disappear, some to recoil, some to escape, some to lash out, some to bark louder so the world does not bite first. We each do what we have to do and we do it with the best tools we have been given.

Still, I crossed your path & learned a humbling lesson from you. I modestly hope is that if you were not taking lessons from anyone that day (as is your perogative), that you at least had an exchange with a stranger who for one minute saw you, the human being. I know it may not be much of anything to you, but it is what I was willing to give to a stranger that day.

Wherever you are, I hope your needs are met for this day. I hope the chill doesn't find you too deeply and I wish you some solace in a cup of tea or a bottle of your choice. I wish you a quiet moment where you feel like you might have felt back in a time when there was a little happiness somewhere. Perhaps it was short, perhaps someone had cared for you. I wish for you a warm place somewhere in your memory, of your past if need be, if there isn't any room for such things in your present.

I wish you small moments of light should you need them, fleeting, flying, swatting back at you, perhaps, whatever love looks like to you.


Sincerely,
just a stranger

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Ash Tuesday

the succinct simplicity of sentient sentiments...sends sounds of a serpeant sea soaring skyward...
into moons unborn laughing, softly into the night. 

(Oh, what it means to have clarity of emotion in your heart/body/spirit! See it expand and breathe like a jellyfish lung, its burden yet unseen. Pity for you, Seer/Feeler, pity for such pittances preyed upon you...and the paradoxical weight of ash you have to carry.)


Ash Tuesday
With every tear I shed, with every worry worn, and with every scorn ...I am getting older. With every dissappoint, with a lost glance where I never stood a chance...I am getting older.

Whereas "growing" older be a positive, horizontally defined expansion of Self, the "getting" is a cruelly vertical unidirectional arrow of irredemption. Here moments are lost forever.

I see Her in a mirror with foreign frowns, once-delicate features hardening, tiny roads and thorns and stars for eyes undulating over dark crescents. I do not know Her at first. This sad little Stranger.

With every stress, with every pain, with every heartbreak, big, small, a minor stumble or a major fall...where a heart might grow to bruise so ripe, where scrapes might turn crimson, where the pussing of protection might churn so thickly it can grow its own vine - from such machinations, I get older still.

The cells that compose of my being are scorching up, drying quickly, flawlessly, like tiny timbers, curling and burning away, ashes from a fire. Cells cried out until empty and dying, flying then dissipating into air, whispering themselves away. They leave me forever and I become smaller.

Endless bits of me dissipate, die then fly with each soul-wounded cry.

(I fear sometimes, that I am made of snowflakes.)

Monday, November 14, 2011

This Melancholia

feels like a dead weight...
"girl, you're gonna carry that weight, carry that wait, a long time..."
push push. nothing.

you push again. from the last great heave, your push ricochets you to a fall. suddenly a jolt, perspective sharpens with the force of an arrow and you realize, sitting there, that falling on your ass, smarting as it is, is actually...a bit of progress. you feel pain.


then the bad news hit like a cannon: you will have to try to stand again.

I cannot drink because of Jesus

Sunday evening. I'm off after a long 7 day work week. Sunday is now my Friday! I drive to a nearby Liquidation Store thinking of how nice it will be to soon sit and soak, or sip, perhaps sit and read & sip, hell, even just Netflix (now a *verb*) and sip. The point is there is sipping involved.

But I cannot enter liquor store. Alas, it is closed. Chalk it up to worker bees having a good union that doesn't keep anybody behind bars after 5pm. I drive along another 10 mins, to approach Store #2. Then it hits me like an errant frisbee to the head.

                       I can't purchase to sip on a Sunday because of Jesus. (oh, Jesus..).

Because Jesus died for my sins (Disclamer: I never asked him to. That was a little bit presumptious. I don't know who DID ask that of Jesus, but they are kinda pissing me off now). Also, JC's dad God rested on the 7th Day, and because he worked so damn long (with very little benefits, and non-existent coffee breaks) what with creating Adam, Eve, setting up the Ark scenario, and mandating altars for sacrifices and castigating the evil*("working girls" or women who just plain confused innocent men, willfully casting them into Evil by way of distraction [wanton harlots, all!]). Anyhoo, the big G was busier than a farmer in a hen house.

And because His pronoun is Capitalized unlike mine (note the lower case), all us lowercase mortals have to abide by His commands* (NOTE: alleged Commands. "Your Honour, let the records show that no concrete evidence exists to prove under what conditions said Commands were set and involving whom, exactly."), anyhoo...to abide by His commands, agenda and general whimsy, without a question, rebuttal or retort from us. Nary a peep. Just like in church.

But...ok...I will play Judas, or devil's advocate for a moment and pose, well...didn't G's own son imbibe red liquid fermentations whilst breaking flatbread with his peeps (and Judas too)? Wine was imbided because it symbolized the blood of Christ. We worship this Holy entity symbolically when called upon to do so, then why do we not get access to the good stuff on Sunday - Big Daddy's special day off, kind of a two-for-one deal? This seems terribly counterintuitive.

If the Good Lord (GL) needed a rest on Sunday, surely those who support Him (and the Kid) should acknowledge His handy work by taking a day off when He takes a day off. Take a day off to chill together if you will, at least in spirit (and, possibly with spirits).

While I don't naturally feel moved to raise a glass to toast an entity I have never met (indeed, he was chronically tardy, or altogether absent the many times I summoned him in desperation...but to be fair, he had a full plate of problems to contend with), it also does it not feel justifiable to raise a glass to someone else's idea of a holy prophet, or conversely, someone else's idea of a mythologized now archetypal figure that has been bastardized (read=used and abused) to become a poster boy for various religious and / or institutional agendas (burning women, I mean 'witches' comes to mind). 
This Holy figure having been grossly misappropriated from what was once a symbol for what was holy and Good. JC's story may have started there, but the road became wayward indeed. Now many cry for Him as much as curse Him, and are willing to wage battle and even death in support of or in opposition to Him. He has "been a piper, a poet, a pauper, a pawn and a king..." like Old Blue Eyes would croon. A much politicized pawn indeed. As a wise person and do-gooder, the man got good reviews, and was probably a decent human being. But, aren't we (well, most of us) decent human beings too? Maybe most of us hail from the tepid waters of the mediocre, but still...

"As Above, So Below"stated in The Emerald Tablet, whose beliefs have heavily influenced Western Esoteric Tradition and were considered to be of great importance during the Renaissance and Reformation, periods of great intellectual, cultural and spiritual evolution and of non-denominational critical thinking. This quote depicts that "The universe is the same as God, God is the same as man, man is the same as the cell, the cell is the same as the atom, the atom is the same as...and so on, ad infinitum." Does this not mean that the powers of God may also be borne, or grow to be instilled within us mortals as well? Some spiritual teachings argue that it is our awareness of having the capacity to harness this power that deems us godlike (don't get your Sunday panties in a knot! In our own mortal 'ways', I mean). Hence, this connection to our inner godlike power, can also give us the capacity to create or destroy. By this line of logic, if the Almighty is called upon to impose his Will, that is apply power to exert an energy, or set an intention to manifest a thing, so too it stands to reason that we can also manifest a thing where we set our intentions. God having worked hard for 6 days straight, now ready to collapse from manifesting the creation of the world and whatnot, gets a well-deserved day off. Can the argument not be posited that I, through the divination within Myself, through the exertion of my own Will (as exerted through work, for example) not also be held in as high regard as a god? If the GL is worth a day off without reproach, surely I am too (even if sounds like a hair commercial).


I hope you God-Fearing types aren't going to blast me for blasphemy or put the Curse of the Cat people upon my head to cast me out to crisp in the fires of damnation for such ramblings! Apologies if I offend. Clearly your sensibilities and mine are but ships in the night. Either that, or you don't possess a very sophisticated sense of humour (to be honest, I'm more sorry about THAT). :D

Anyhoo..it behooves one to ask: Why can't I imbide on a Sunday? Why is ok to drink wine sometimes but not other spirits? Do other beverages have to symbolize holy figures to be consumed in as good a standing? Let's be fair, many of them didn't get enough airplay in the Good Book back then. That was one Westernized text (various versions of it, granted!) of a series of moral tales, using the food and beverage of its own fashion, a little one-sided. The point is, hey a little vodka never hurt anybody.

It seems a tad hypocritical that what was once deemed a ritual to revere a beloved figure, a holy prophet, son of THE father of the year, drinking the 'symbolic' blood of JC is now forfeited on ONE specific day as an act of disrespect for the Lord & all things Godly (the Western version, again). It's no longer Friday, Saturday, or even Monday, but as luck my would have it, a Sunday. If I was a god-fearing you-know-what, why do I have to do all my god-fearing, worshipping etc. on every other day BUT Sunday. Selecting to be righteous by a date feels a little like "giving to the poor" on Christmas when it is a neighbourly time to do so. (Author's note: much of the time these same poor or disadvantaged are deemed invisible, if not written off as a nuisance or as a 'waste' of tax dollars. I do not share this sentiment, but I CAN state that it is certainly oft heard and expressed loudly and not-so-loudly in resentful mumblings throughout the land, yessir)! I can hear George Carlin's gavel banging somewhere during one of this brilliant rants,"Be not so pre-Occupied with helping the poor only at CHRISTmas time, why not just plain Occupy the Church the other 364 days?" HEY-OOO! Instead of holding off celebrating reverance to his Holiness, shouldn't we be drinking our asses off on a worshipping Sunday?? I dunna get it.

And it is with a shrug - partly to shake off a mild annoyance at having wasted a bit of gas, a bit of time, scarse resources which these days indeed - I take off out of the parking lot, but nary a wheelie is had. Nay, nay. Wheelies are gauche and cliche. That, and there is a cop car nearby. :D

Once home, this wanton harlot raises a glass of vodka and orange and silently toasts, "Hear ye, Fellow Upstairs, downstairs, below the stairs, ye who ARE the stairs, wherever you are, thank you for your help. Some of it was helpful, some of it horribly misconstrued, but not by your doing. Perhaps under the "Misconstrued" category, someone may want to add a wee Disclaimer, something like: "And Let It Be that any mortal who has worked (or even not worked a day in his life) be given the same freedoms and allowances as I, without condition nor reproach. Whether an Individual ends His or Her work on a Friday or a Sunday, let it be that ANY day can be one's "Friday", and in this spirit of fairness, let us rejoice! Keep liquor stores open 7 days a week as is rational (and good business!) and accommodating to mortals who work at all hrs, at odd days, or hold down a number of jobs these days. I am a loving God, a giving God, and by the very nature of my position must live up to said reputation through my deeds and wishes."

I picture Him resonantly stating in the strong, yet warm baritone of an Omnipotent, All-Denominational, Non-Congregational, Socialist-Leaning, Up-With-The-Times, In-the-Know kind of dude:

"My blood and any fluids that have come to symbolize this holiness, along with an array of other life-giving, party-starting, mortal pleasing beverages shall be made available to all mortals and at all times, no conditions attached! No churches to attend, no sermons to listen to, no fastings to go through, no penance to endure, no Hail Mary's, no confessions, no conditions at all! For in my God Heart no one should be less deserving of pleasantries and niceties, those who subscribe to my Book or those who do not. Working hard, being pious, being modest and gratification-delaying, or being "deserving" are really just relative terms once applied to organize and control an unruly and ignorant populace in days of yore, oh heck! in days of NOW too! These ideas are social constructs my friends! They were once created to weigh and rank a group against that of a supposed Ideal, and to help ideologically instill asymmetrical dynamics of power, leveraging up those who wished to remain in charge, and quashing down the rest, relegating them to redeem themselves through the penance of hard, let's be honest, unreasonably long, arduous hours of work! "Protestant Work Ethic" ring a bell, folks? er, but I digress! (insert chuckle here). Nay, Nay. You are not sinners! You owe me not a thing! You only owe yourselves to meet the better parts of you, should you choose to do so. You owe yourselves to love well and live well as you can, whatever that means to you! So rejoice my friends, and seize this day with a righteous Love. Let this note ring and ring louuudly throughout the land:

"Liquor Stores: NOW OPEN SUNDAYS"  
So mote it be.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Body Is Always Healing Itself

After a scrape on the knee you apply ointment and a band-aid on it, and wonder "Will this faciliate my healing?" Well, no, not really. The body is predestined towards healing itself. It will produce puss and it will form a scar so the new tissue can grow unencumbered, anew. The body is always moving forward in attempt to heal itself, regrowth, regenerating, renewal, etc. Always working toward healing itself in so many ways.

For instance, with a broken heart...the body knows to heal itself. So the body walks itself into an establishment specializing in various adult-oriented liquids. The body then, uses the eyes to scan, and lips to remember a savour...the hand to pull out a wallet. These actions set in motion the consumption of grapey-originated tannin red beverages to imbibe, and thus, heal itself.

The body knows. It is wise.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

News - a Spoken Word Rant

when is the Right time to tune in to hear / watch / read about something horrible, sometime, somewhere in the world. Maybe somewhere far, maybe right next door, maybe down the street.

Why would anyone want to wake up with the birds singing, and a nice coffee's aroma freshly brewing, to crack open fresh-squeezed (or reconstituted) stories which have become the equivalent of Grade C fatty meat shoved into a grinder to urn out Texas-sized chunks of pain for our consumption. We know full well that even bite-sized meshes can clog one's mind and spirit...but fresh or not, we readily consume them. Yum. Yum!


And with a short breath exhalation, we crack open the parchment to..SCREAMING ASSAULTS OF:

boys being decapitated on the bus, or little girls gone missing, or men pummelled to death after interfering in a fight, or women gone absent without notice- invisibles that no one has noted until the media declares these incidences (posited as "rarities" when they are far from incidental. These incidents sadly, plural, always plural). "Oh, what a shame" and..."Isn't it too late to do anything?", or "I hope this never happens again!". But it will, until and unless something radically changes and we, the collective 'we' and the lawmakers take the absence of women of colour or of prostitutes with as much urgency and notibility as that of an affluent, middle-class caucasian men and women. Then there are the litigious Leaders, charismatic Conquistadors, regimental Rulers and Kings, Nobles, Prime Ministers, Governors, Premiers, CEO's and an array of Titles for those who can Titularly yield the ax of Power. Knowledgable, educated adults puppeteering soldiers like little checkers on a board, pawns in games of strategy - along with the citizens corralled by fear* (a lovely motivator* if ever there was one). Dinosaurs dictating old-school sermons, with now-questionable ethics unleashed on a New World that is for the most part, run by antiquated systems and ideologies. Here the preacher becomes a politician, the politican becomes a preacher, orator, actor, talking head, war head. Countries entering an inconceivable 24th year of a civil war (what a paradox. where there be nothing "civil" near "war"- these as two mutually exclusive terms as there could ever be. "I say old chap, would you mind terribly if we shoot that camp here, or should we do the one over there?" "Oh, it's no bother. It was your turn anyway." "Will do. Oh, and remember come Christmas we have to stop shooting at one another." "Right, right, old man. Thank you for that reminder. Tea?"). Endless streams of one-upmanship with murders, bombings, terrorism, psychological, physical, tangible, unreal, weapons using anything from spit to weapons of mass destruction upping that ante. Whatever It was years ago, whatever It might have started at, has gone wayward indeed, and the waters murky as blood turns black on both sides. Now these civil wars, and Friendly Fires underscore who holds the biggest grudge (well, they ALL do now) with no one backing down, compromising, nor applying diplomacy. Why bother through such logistics and administration, when it is always much splashier on the page to see a new Martyr born, a Villian brought down, a Hero (likely born of death unto another, but these *pesky details* rarely get much airtime, don't they?). Sensationalized terms, labels, names and dramatic, dichotomizing rhetoric ("If you're not with us, you're against us") spun to sell to the lowest common denominator, and to the many who read this and nothing but (drinking straight from the paper bag like it was mother's milk), consuming from monopolized media sources is akin to eating the same porridge and calling it steak and pie! That is all you have known, will know, and have been born into. It's not your fault, brother! Born if not bred into a pathology of violence, a sick society which feeds on other ills, using fear and violence as leverage to support deadly games aimed to marginalize, manipulate, misogynize, and mark groups against one another until they are non-humans, aliens, Things. Easier to diassociate from and kill...specimens alien from you, posited as The Other, Them. And on that note, anOther group of people shot by an unstable disgruntled employee from some employee-exploiting, opportunistic corporation specializing in churning out a consistent stream of faceless names who wear numbers on a little badge, to deftly add the next chump in line to take over disgruntled, gone-postal guy in-a-jiffy! Why else is outsourcing so profitable for companies? Because when one exploited, needy worker dies or leaves a post, there are newer models waiting in line to take her place. On this sad note too, the scroll depicts how another animal has died in captivity (as though we should be surprised to learn that animals actually do not thrive under UN-natural conditions). Oh, really? Numerous incidences of animals who, no longer having the wild come to them, go seeking it only to find alarmed suburbanites with snotty-nosed kids in their backyard now going white from fear with an . Having legally settled on said wild animals' territory (and once indigenous' people's land), in effect taking over the ex-livingrooms of said animals - yuppites can feel safer from govermentally-sanctioned culling of inconveniences like animals. Yo dont like the scratches a cougar can leave on your kid, I get it! But killing an animal for, well being an animal is a bit like kicking a cat because it has scratched you after you have been treating it like a plaything. And things of play set far aside, a reader with ill-begotten luck can easily find that another asshole has been born, and destroyed or royally screwed the life of another, by bullet, by knifing, by not caring, by appropriating, by abusing, bullying, trespassing on the right's of others, walking on the backs of others, by obscuring facts to fool others, by white (collar)-washing inconvenient truths so those who do learn and who choose to speak look like fools, and those who do not speak can believe the lie from fear. Lies working in tandem with Fear, you ask? Propaganda, anyone? How about this doozy: this grand ruse, "If you only work hard enough..you will - -- - - - -- (inset sentiment akin to 'change your life')." The ole Bootstrap Theory. Sure, it may work for some, but more as an anomaly of brilliant luck and timing. For the most part, statistically, this rhetoric will sing like a rusty pipe dream. Sounds good in theory, but problematic in application. If you happen to have been born in the lower 3rd rung (4th rung?) along the socioeconomic ladder, then you have already been born into instant disadvantage with respect to access to resources, to education, to food, to comfort, to work, to relationship to others, your parents (hard to do when they both work). But like all brilliant ruses, it is designed to distract the minds and hearts of hopeful, earnest people, workers and non-workers alike. Reading news about Others and Their problems will distract the minds and eyes of the Average Citizen as they read about misery elsewhere, and question less the way they themselves are being repressed, controlled and ripped off in quietly, sneaky, benevolent ways (made not-so-quiet by the recent Occupy movement). You want to be informed, you want to know what goes on in the world, but must this be with a heartburn of the mind and an erosion of the soul? Must knowledge be at this high a price? Soon sanity beckons. You hear the call..and so

you CLOSE THE PAPER! QUICKLY! QUICKLY! before you fall down hell's rabbit hole again. (Breath out.)

Why would you want to read Ugly in the morning?

As a way to start your day? What kind of way is that to preserve or move any positive energy into the world? We are fed tripe like it's sugary cereal that "gives kids energy" (yeah, it does. so does crack). We are stuffed to the gills with hype and the hyperactive-inducing tools to get us out there buying our immense coffees, speed-texting because the GD world might end any minute anyway, ranting angrily in traffic or keeping glum expressions on smelly buses on the way to jobs that we have to tolerate to pay, you know, for those things...bills, they call them. Why, oh why would you want to eat feed on this in the morning? If you're lucky, you have a bowel movement in the morning to dispose of toxins, so why would you want to immediately add on a new layer of toxicity for your mind? Is this healthy? Are we addicted to drama? Drama with coffee...to go?

Ok, so how about reading it in the afternoon?

After a long day's work and you want to rest your weary little head and pop up your weary little feet (or head or neck or back or whatever ails you) come the end of a stressful day. Why, oh why would you want to add to the stress now, and never get a chance to bring the level of ugly down at some point in your day? When do you get a respite? When does your mind get to breathe? When do you let your soul expand its breath unselfconsciously, and without guilt (aye, there is the rub! It gets tricky here)?

Well, what about at night then??

But why, oh why in (insert god')s name would you want to watch and hear of something absolutely hideous as a way to "ease off the stresses of the day" (and of life!) in time to relax and drift off feeling safe in the knowledge that you may have another sleep coming your way to recuperate your cells and your body. Why in god's name would you want to drink sour milk to put you to sleep? If its to trip off of stress responses in the messed up sleep cycle, go for it! To each his insomniatic own, but I prefer to give myself a fighting chance at finding peace, even for a moment to fool myself into thinking that...at some point, in some part of the world, perhaps far away, perhaps close, perhaps around the corner, down the block, in my bed...there lies a little bit of hope and of peace to remind me that there is good in the world.

I like to believe this when I wake up, when I come home after stress, when I ready for bed. I need to.

Naked

to read my bloggery is to see me standing naked

in the rain...

with a pistol in my hand

and a lopsided grin

from beneath

my little crooked hat


Naked as an acid rain

naked as I've ever been

Saturday, October 15, 2011

"How Blogworthy?" (aka How Personal is this going to be?)

that is the question. You know things get bad when upon thinking of say, things like *work* your left eye suddenly twitches, like Inspector Clouseau's superintendent (so hell bent on the demise of Clouseaou to end his own misery and suffering).

I had to consider which blog to use today, today, and in general. The one fit for public consumption (only a selected, special *few* of said public, but still..) or the Ugly Cry one, where I usually dump a barrage of bad feeling and 'the pains of the world' onto (the purging one). sigh.

I want to write a Vicious Blogging and be clever and rapier-witted as before. BUT everytime I ponder on writing- anything- I get blocked, and can't remember what it was that was so darned clever that I simply HAD to sit and write about before it left the building. Well, shit. Most ideas that *almost* inspire me to finally squawk on, leave the building. In fact, all this fresh tripe is the stuff of ad-libbing. Yep, I'm fresh out of clever.

Ok: Initial thoughts or stirrings that bothered me enough to ponder (gulp) writing. Here they are in order of popping into meh head:

1) Well, I feel a little ripped off. In the love dept, I have excelled. In the reciprocation dept, there has been substantial "room for improvement" and emotionally things have been "challenging"(translated to politically incorrect speak): being a loving person has sucked ass when I have picked people who neither see me nor appreciate me enough to love me as I deserve (that's right- I said it!) DESERVE to be loved. It sucks balls. It's a fucking bummer. It's not helping me NOT feel old, unattractive, and out of shape. I have these thoughts all fine by myself, thankyouverymuch. These stumbles have only contributed to (or reiterated said negative thoughts). And I don't need that shit.

sigh. I know that I am tired and stressed out. and when I am these two things together (what a doozy!), I get bummed. Today is such an instance. It will pass, but today it has felt like a weight on my chest and I have been shrugging off the exhaustion and anxiety like last season's lime green poncho (get it offa me!). Yes, things feel worse than they are in actuality. PERHAPS. Still I am allowed my glorious gripe. I hope that by having it, I will be able to lose it.

2) I wanted a job where I could find beauty, where I would (hopefully) have some autonomy, where I actually looked forward to coming to work. Well, by Job I've got it! and ...and ...fuckin..AND I am stressed out of my fecking tree! Not to say I'm ot grateful for the job, a decent job, a job that I like (yay*), a job that has pretty view (which is does), a lot of positives here - BUT. It feels overwhelming sometimes, where I AM the whole band, I AM U2! I play all the instruments and do the post-production AND then write a critique about it! holy feck! so, yeah.. It's got me in a bit of a tizzy. :P and I need to handle stress WAAAY better, before it does me in. Goddess, give me strength and wisdom and focus and patience and fortitude to deal with the demands and still be gracious and charming, handle the stress well, and keep my lovely little job (and for a long time, I hope).

It feels a bit like a weird game I play. "How much shit can I take before I stress myself right out and let everything affect me and make me sick again? let's see..."

well, I dont want to play that game. It is dangerous and NON-productive nor helpful. It is self-perpetuating, and can be a losing one. I have to change it into dodgeball or something else real quickly! Want to master it, not make it into Master and Servant (and me on the suffering bottom).

3) ah, Mom. Love her, she means well but she (and living here with her) remind me of the Life I aim to carve...which I have yet to have. Living with mom, we are so incompatible, it could be a sitcom. A passive-aggressive dramedy about an irritable, resentful adult daughter and her foibles with a cantankerous, ill-mannered child who either nags or gets into a hissy fit over any eyebrow raised at the wrong angle. Maybe I should call it, "And Then There's Angie", or "Goddess Help Us", with a catchy little tune like that of "and then there's Maude!"

4) Then there's this: What Do I Want. I mean really. Not What Do I Want that I tell people, but what, at the heart of me , do I really want. It seems to change slightly year by year now. I do not know now, nor do I have a 5 year plan. I don't know if that is fear-based, or just plain lazy. sigh. It feels like I'm afraid to Plan ahead, to have hope, to make plans. It feels easier to ride the wave, go with the flow, since life (for me, at least) has certainly not played out according to the script I had 'read' or been informed on. My life has been decidedly unpredictable. Is that good? I don't know.

ie. Not sure I want the acting thing that badly. If I did, I would have pics and be seeking out an agent, etc. Maybe I don't believe I can do it, or that it can be fruitful for me at this point. I do know that I want security. In a time of chronic financial insecurity, I really crave stability and security. Blame my post-war upbringing, blame my immediate family (and their perpetual lack of it...), blame the modern jobstate. I have never KNOWN true security nor felt safe with any consistency, so I need to have this become a constant in my life. I need to BE that example I am missing.

It's important that, after 15+ yrs of struggling, and being sick then being the "well-dressed poor", that I find security in some measure. Perhaps after I have found it, befriended it, and sat with it for a while, I will be able to feel I can 'risk' again (ie. the acting thing). All I've done is risk in my life, but I need to find the other side: discipline and persistence to achieve success.

Right now, I am so drained with stress, that the Intention to have a creatively fulfilling life and the ACTUALITY of it seem at opposite sides of the spectrum. They seem incongruent. I need to find my own way to reconcile my (alleged instability, unsafe, unpredictable) 'art' with my career choices (by contrast, seemingly stable, safe, livable beyond "survival" state), until I feel I can manage both.

Also, I am wise enough to know that Happiness is fleeting. It is temporary, like everything else in life, and is found in moments. Sometimes they last for years, sometimes months, sometimes days. I can't wait intil that 'Ideal' day (or job, man, event, thing, or situation) sits prettily at my feet to claim this elusive Happiness. So I look for it every day, in something - a kind word, a sweet sight, a moving song, a good memory, a decent hug, a good cuppa coffee.

On that note, if I don't find romantic 'love' this year, so be it. I know that I will HAVE loved others three-fold, and made the world a better place. Instead of spite or other nasty things, the best un-revenge will be to stay Shiny, to emit light and love, to be gracious in spite of the ugly, or the pain. I'm not advocating being a martyr, just to ride the wave and master the consequences of change, so you can own your power again. Wrestling my demons is private, smiling like the conquistador who ate the demon is public.

I'm flawed as hell but I'm a good person with a planet of offerings. I have to remember to not give it all away, without leaving the big Love for ME.

and with this thought, I bid adieu.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Things That Are Annoying

in no particular order:

8) when people who are grumpy and indifferent or plain nasty to you and your very essence suddenly become Mother Teresa and rally to your couchside the minute you feign having a cold or other malaise. What gives? How come they turn suddenly kind and so concerned for your welfare all of a sudden?? weird and inconsistent behaviour. Worse yet, is anticipating that the minute you feel 'yourself again', god help you! The twiddle-dees are going to be right back at it, gnashing their sharp little teeth around your face and snarling "why isn't that [whatever] ready yet??". Ahh, just like Old Times. 

4) when an Audiobook Application on iPhone uses a damn robotic voice akin to Cher's irritating vocals in that overrated and shitty song "Believe in Love after Luff.." (or Life after Love?? or Love after Life?? or whatever the fuck it was). Less Big Brother-y and creepy than the automated bus robot voice, complete with weird monotone with incorrect inflections that 'reads' out what your next stop will be. It is irksome. It is disconcerting. It makes me want to close the book on my Audio (non) book! Completely unintelligible and annoying as shite! "What? What is it saying?? What? Whaaat!" OY fuckity Oy.

51) telemarketers who - assuming my Spanish surname is inevitably, and invariably connected to a god-fearing Catholic Spanish-Canadian citizen - call up during bad reality tv, interrupting certain bliss to ask questions that are blatantly churchy in aim. "Listen, Maria Rodrigues, Golanzes, Dolores, del Pies. I was sidled with 4 names too, but don't assume I'm a traditional fresh-off-the-boat Bible-clutcher! I'm also part French & Irish and you don't see their reps giving me unsolicited calls to inquire about my politico-spiritual leanings, do ya? Well, here's my Irish part (said with accent, for effect), Feck off!"

Don't they know Brett Micheals' "Rock of Love" is on?!" Come ON! Is nothing Sacred?