(from 2013) I cried a few nights ago because I was missing that sense of being Special to someone.
Then I got upset at myself for thinking those thoughts, for even
coveting such a feeling. What kind of insecure fool was I? Why should I
wait to be Special to someone in order to feel loved?, I wondered.
There
is the dreamer, a romantic inside who does yearn for a tender place
to lay my heart upon, and a kind fellow to reciprocate in kind. That has
never left me, and will stay with me yet. There is nothing wrong with wanting to find a romantic love. In
fact, when I was fortunate enough to find it with two men, I learned that I
could be very happy being in love and part of a
couple. That kind of soft place in one's heart is hard to replicate.
So
I cried into a pillow as I realized the fellow I had been seeing did
not provoke me to feel like I was the apple of his eye, that he never
gazed at me adoringly. In fact, when I studied it, hardly seem to
gaze at me at all. There was a lack of enthusiasm for me and I took it
personally. Then I started to reason, 'Just because he does not feel I am
Special (to him) , that does not mean that I am not.' Some wiser part of me gently called, "Remember who you are...".
So I remembered.
With that quickly came the realization that I needed to start with the intrinsic belief that I, all unencumbered and on
my own, and naked and flawed, and hopeful and loving, and insecure, and
grand, and powerful, and shy and bold and funny...that in all my glory, I
am Special to begin with. Better is the notion that anyone who does not
support this view, in either feeling or manner, must move along.
"Future Lover, whoever you may be, my one condition is this: if you do
not join me in the reverie of celebrating my being a special person, or erode any trace of shine off of me, so that I may forget it for one moment...then we do not see eye to eye on this most critical matter. This lack of this recognition must signal to me that I must let you go too.
We are all learning lessons, including me. I acknowledge that some sting is the price of a risk taken. As we part, I will wish you well in sincerity. I hope that you find what you need to. I hope too that along your journey, you will come to see your own light shining. Perhaps then, will you recognize a shiny likeness and learn to 'see' someone like me."
